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The Lost Side of Me

Buried deep within me are thoughts, memories and feelings of a life long since past.

Calling for help

The cord snaps away from the wall just as soon as I hear the voice on the phone. I can’t get out the words fast enough while scrambling away from him.

I need help. Stop. Stay away.

No one hears me on the other side.

Fists make contact and land all over my body, mostly I feel my ribs aching with each jab. I think time has paused around me and yet, his motions come swiftly, the air whistling around his arms sounding sharp as they move closer and closer to the small target of my chest.

Eventually, there’s a knock on the door. The police have arrived. After looking around for a few minutes and taking a look at my face, he is taken away shackled. I am whisked away to the hospital.

*Snap*Snap* clicks the camera. Polaroids documenting what just happened. I see myself, eyes rimmed red from tears and blotting. Swollen cheeks, bruised ribs.

Regret. Shame. Crestfallen.

Dear Justin

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Thank you for the wonderful passive-aggressive letter you wrote to me while eavesdropping on my conversation with my lady friends. I know that I have a loud voice and sound carries, especially when making disparaging remarks about people in my life. It was just awful of me to speak terribly about men. Maybe I should have kept my deep secret wish of the last twenty years to myself instead of telling my friends, in my exasperation and frustration of an absent father of my son. It’s just not right. I am so THE WORST.

I can’t tell you the countless times I wished that I would be the one who would overdose and die, especially after the time I was beaten and violently raped at 18 and then finding out I was pregnant by my drug addict boyfriend. But that’s not what happened. I lived and have a wonderful reminder of that night. Not that I would trade my child for anything. He’s the best thing that came from that nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, just when I thought I was over that stuff, I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept seeing the flashbacks in my mind.

But, thanks for coming to his defense and for all of the nice guys out there. You are such a nice guy for taking the time to point out my shortcomings! Also, I’m so sorry that your girlfriend cheated on you. No one deserves such treatment. I hope you find “the one” some day. I did and have been with him for the last 13 years, so have faith that in that.

Are you sure that your ex didn’t go through the horrors of a relationship that I did, get to watch a man disintegrate for over twenty years and have to face her teenage son to explain why his dad didn’t call for his birthday, didn’t get him any Christmas presents or that he is still in and out of rehab or homeless? Maybe she is jaded for some other reason and that’s why she talks just like me.

I appreciate the assumption that you are the older party in this situation, quite possibly you could be, I am nearing 40 more than 30 these days and aging has been pretty graceful, not to mention that I also sound like an immature, young girl who is low on morals and values.

As for what I discuss in public, Justin, I really don’t give a flying fuck who hears me, unless it is with the people that I am directly speaking with. Have some consideration and stop eavesdropping and keep your condescending, patriarchal comments to yourself or be a man and speak up, not cowardly drop a note and walk away as if you were going to make such an impact on my behavior.

But, I do know better. I’ll work on that.

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